What shouldn't be easy
by Smartwillow
Summary: It was a violence really, the closeness of her body, the worry in her eyes. Thanks to HedgieX!
1. Chapter 1

It was dark outside. Late. She couldn't remember how long she had been drinking alone in her office. Too long probably. She couldn't see the time on her watch, she couldn't even find her glasses. She stood up, leaning on her chair, the chair she should have known had wheels. She slipped and grabbed the desk just in time. She took a breath and opened the window. The air pushed fiercely inside and with the air came the rain. Cold drops hit her face and soon the light shirt wasn't enough for the temperature in the room. She could have done something but why bother?

What's a little dying every now and then? What's a belt around your neck and a knife shining at the corner of your eye? What's a new car because the old one is ruined by dry red stains? She'd never scared easily, and the storm outside was strangely soothing anyway. She hoped everybody was gone by now, that she could be miserable without life constantly interrupting her. All those kids she had to care for, make sure they didn't burn themselves. That one kid with deep brown eyes always staring at her like she had all the answers. But she wasn't a kid, was she? She'd become all grown-up in the last five years and Gill couldn't pretend she hadn't noticed anymore. Not to be drawn to her.

Rachel was as dangerous as Helen Bartlett and there was no one to tell, no one who would have believed her. But then again, what's a little dying? Like the hand on her shoulder now and the familiar smell. Gill prayed she could melt right there and not be forced to turn around. Not be forced to pretend in this pitiful, alcoholic state she was in. It was a violence really, the closeness of her body, the worry in her eyes. If she were strong enough Gill would have pushed her away, and spat something hurtful. Instead she looked for her glass and drank till the the last drop.

Rachel closed the window. "Time to go home boss?"

"I'll call a cab."

"No need." Rachel put the coat on her shoulders and Gill tried to move away, annoyed, but the younger woman kept her still. "I'm going the same way, come on."

"I don't like you."

"I know, boss."

"Don't look at me all mature and sober."

"You know I'm rarely either." Rachel answered patiently.

Gill stepped closer and stared into her eyes. With one finger touched the point of Rachel's nose. "See? I'm not drunk." But the finger slipped down to Rachel's lips and Gill traced them like it was the first time she'd ever seen them. "Too beautiful to get me home." She clung to her coat. "Ask Janet."

"Jan.. Janet is gone. It's only ten minutes, boss. You're freezing."

Gill sighed. "Alright."

In the car Rachel turned on the air conditioning and the heat made Gill sleepy. She leaned on the window and watched Rachel the whole ride home. She could see how uncomfortable the girl was, how hard she tried not to look back and the relief on her face when she finally parked.

"Want to know why I drink, kid?" Rachel hands tightened on the wheel. "To make old memories go away and new problems look manageable. But when I get there, I drink a little more. And a bit more. Till the troubles begin, till the impossible thing seems the easiest to do. Till it's the only thing I can possibly do. Like this, like now. Like kissing you." Rachel turned to her and Gill kissed her lightly.

"It shouldn't be so easy, should it?" She took her face between her hands and kissed her deeply and desperately. But suddenly she felt overwhelmed and, worst of all, lucid. Panicking, she pushed Rachel away.

"I.. I'm sorry, kid." And quickly stumbled out of the car.

The last thing she heard was a hurtful "Yeah.. you drunk.. always sorry, right?" and the car rushing away.

At almost four in the morning she got a call and for a moment she thought it could have been Rachel. It was a new case. She lay in bed till she was sure she could stop feeling the girl's lips in all the most inappropriate places and begin her day.

During the daily briefing with the team she could feel Rachel's eyes burning a hole into her skull. It was utterly annoying and she was too tired to pretend otherwise.

"What do you think, Rachel?"

"Mmm.. what?"

Gill's eyes were locked on hers while she repeated impatiently. "Shall we bring the husband in or would it be better to interview him at his house again?"

"I.. I think.. I should go there and talk to him a bit more." She finally managed. And Gill was sure she hadn't paid attention to one thing she had been saying for the last thirty minutes.

"Alright then. Janet, go with Rachel. Mitch and the others talk to the neighbours, maybe after breakfast they'll all be more cooperative."

Everybody stood up and noisily left the room. Gill went back into her office and stretched her neck. Her body was killing her.

"Whose genius idea was it to interrogate the husband at his place?"

Rachel held up her hand.

"Rachel, yes. And when he started to confess the whole story couldn't you stop him and drag him here, where all the cameras our government pays for are?"

"He was.."

"I'm talking to my DS, Janet."

"We tried boss, but he was completely in shock and we had to call an ambulance."

"The second great decision you made this morning! Now he's in the hospital sedated till next year!"

"I'm sorry boss, I seem to have made a lot of bad decisions lately. And they all come back biting my arse."

Gill flushed. "In my office, now!" And stormed away.

Rachel was right behind her.

"Close the blinds."

"What?"

"Can you at least do this right or shall I hold your hand?"

Rachel angrily closed the door and then the blinds.

"Is it good? Do you need me to please you in any other way, boss?"

"Don't talk to me like that!" Gill yelled.

"No, you don't talk to me like that! You made a mistake, not me." "You wanted to talk to the husband."

"You let me."

"You were looking at me instead of listening!"

"That's even more reason not to let me take the decision, I was completely out of it this morning, and you knew it. And you knew why!"

Gill opened her mouth but nothing came out. Was it true? Was it her fault? She leaned on her desk and thought about her actions.

"I.. I'm sorry Rachel. I've made one mistake after another, I.."

"They weren't all mistakes." And Gill could read anger, sadness and hope passing rapidly through Rachel's eyes.

"No?"

"I think.. the kiss.."

"Stop right there, kid."

"But.."

"Just stop. Let me apologise and never think about it ever again."

"Can't I have a say in it?" The anger was back but it was deeper this time. Like Rachel was tired of always being told what was going on, and never really being the one making things happen.

"No."

"Who am I talking to? Did you just put your Godzilla on? I want the one who kissed me last night."

"The drunk? The one who messed up a case because she couldn't stand your eyes on her?" Gill tried to stop herself and her voice came out strangled. "The one who wants so much more that just one kiss?"

Rachel was on her as soon as she finished the sentence. But Gill put her fingers on her mouth and rested her forehead on hers.

"See? We can't do this. We can't forget who we are."

Rachel ran away and she was left to wonder if their job was just an excuse. If her obsession with not showing weakness had anything to do with it. Because caring for someone, wasn't that the greatest weakness of all? And she wasn't young anymore, trusting anymore. She was drinking at night in her office and getting sick of blood.

Everything went back to normal. Business as usual. They got the husband eventually and caught another case, then another. Everything was normal except for the small things. Every morning they sat at the meeting table and every morning Rachel brushed her hand on Gill's. Just once. And Gill began to wait for the little touch, expecting it. Sometimes she looked through the window of her office and found Rachel staring back at her. On occasion she would take off her glasses just to make the moment last a little longer.

One Friday night Gill was leaving the pub and the guys inside celebrating the weekend ahead. She wanted to walk a little bit to clear her head before catching a cab. She heard her unmistakable laugh and a little voice inside of her screamed to keep going. But she stopped and turned. Rachel wasn't alone, who would laugh that way alone? A man was holding her and the voice begged Gill in vain to go away. Rachel's eyes met hers the moment the man kissed her. The world stopped turning and Gill felt her stomach shrink. Her ears were buzzing so loud she covered them with her hands and stepped away. She wanted to run but she was sure she would be sick if she did. Of course she's sleeping with someone else, of course. What do you think she was doing every night? Crying over you? And for how long? Gill wasn't distraught, she was mad, so mad she could have killed the first person she'd met.

"Wait!" And of course, again, of course that person must have been Rachel.

"Go away!"

"No, wait." Rachel grabbed her arm and Gill pushed her so hard she hit a car parked behind her.

"What the hell?"

"Don't you dare grab me ever again."

"I just.. fuck. Why am I even sorry? I didn't do anything wrong."

"Then go back to whatever you were doing and leave me the fuck alone."

"No!" Rachel took her arm again and Gill pushed her again, this time with her whole body, against the car.

"Why? Why.." But she couldn't go on, she couldn't say why does it have to hurt so much, why do you have to have life. And she didn't see Rachel coming close, too close, and kiss her.

She stepped back, disgust all over her face. "You never learn, kid. Do you?" And cleaned her mouth with the back of her hand.

That was the moment everything went down the drain. No more glares or stolen touches. It was war. A silent and professional and not so subtle war. In a few days everybody had noticed. All the guys tiptoed around them. Janet had known something was going on for a long time because, well, she was Janet. She tried to talk to both of them but they refused to admit something was wrong. After two weeks they were openly defying each other and Janet was scared that Rachel was going to lose her job. So she took a decision and prayed it was the right one.


	2. Chapter 2

"I've been shagging half of Manchester with no success. I thought about starting with the other half but I'm getting the feeling that it would be useless."

"And you're telling this to your boss because..."

"I'm telling no one. You haven't spoken a word since we left the syndicate an hour ago, I thought I was alone in the car."

The trip to London had been scheduled months before but at the last moment Janet had pulled out saying she couldn't leave her heartbroken older daughter alone.

"Boys, girls, men, women. Nobody helped me. But I swear I did my best."

"At least you put a little joy in so many lives." Gill was bothered that Rachel's childish attempts to get on her nerves were succeeding so easily.

"You don't care?"

"Why should I? I only hope you took precautions."

"Yes mother, I did."

Gill tightened her lips.

"What? Don't you like me calling you mother?"

"No, since I am not. If I were, I would have straighten you up a long ago."

"I thought you'd rather bend me over." Rachel laughed bitterly at her crass joke. "Anyhow, there was this older woman, really looked like you. I had high hopes, but it turned into a disaster as soon as I said your name at an inappropriate moment. Running half naked in the cold looking for a cab is as much uncomfortable as it sounds. So, this conference lasts two days? I don't like London very much."

"You didn't have a rebellious phase with a canonical getaway to the city?

"Sure. That's why I don't like it."

"There will be a lot of people there, you can keep up with your quest for the perfect sexual partner."

"I thought it was obvious I already found her. The quest is for a worthy substitute."

"I have to do a presentation tomorrow at noon, you have to stand beside me smiling. The rest of the time you can do whatever you want. I really think Janet's daughter could have survived without her for a couple of days. How old is she now? Thirty?"

"Almost twenty."

"Whatever."

The Mayfair Hotel was incredibly luxurious. "So here's where they put all the money they don't give us for overtime." Gill muttered giving her car keys to the valet.

"Don't worry, our rooms will probably be over the kitchen."

The two women got inside and gave their IDs to the receptionist.

"We are sorry to say we overbooked. We only have one room but it's a suit so we hope it will be fine. It's got two bedrooms and a jacuzzi. It will be ready in twenty minutes. If you care to wait at the bar we'll call you and help you with the luggage."

"Great."

The boy didn't get the sarcasm in Gill's voice and smiled, pleased. "The bar is that way."

"Well it seems my sexual exploration of the British police force has been just seriously hampered." Rachel joked one time too many.

"Can you please stop with this nonsense? I'm not your friend and never will be. I don't want to be involved in any of it."

"Sorry, boss." Rachel lowered her eyes, mortified. "Want some wine?"

"I just want to get over with it and go home."

Rachel asked for a glass of red and sipped it in silence at the bar. Gill sat away from her, hoping she could make her hands stop shaking. She had decided not to drink with Rachel so close but the kid was making it so much harder with her stupid little games.

The living room was bigger than Rachel's house. There were three sofas, a cabinet filled with expensive bottles and fresh flowers on every table. They were on the top floor and the sight was magnificent. Not that either of them bothered to check.

"I'll take this room." Gill stated and disappeared into it. The bed was huge and Gill climbed into it slowly. She let herself fall and turned to stare at the ceiling.

At seven o'clock Rachel knocked at her door. "Hey, do you want some dinner?"

"I'll call room service." She had taken a shower and was going over her notes for the conference.

"Come on, let's take a walk."

"No."

"I promise I'll behave. Let's not make a nightmare out of this trip, please."

Gill sighed and thought that maybe they could be civil for one hour. Or at least try. She stood up and slowly opened the door, trying to put up a menacing glare. "We'll eat very quickly and we'll talk only about work."

"Alright."

"Give me five minutes."

"I'll wait for you downstairs."

At the reception Rachel was talking with a tall, handsome DC from Liverpool. Gill saw them and painfully regretted all the trust she had given Rachel about the dinner. But as soon as Rachel noticed her, she pushed the bloke aside and stared at her so intensely Gill could almost feel it on her skin. Rachel took in her burgundy dress, her long coat. Her eyes slipped down to Gill's legs and dark heels, then slowly up again to her hands. They were in a hall full of people, yet Rachel's desire had erased everybody else. When she looked finally in her eyes Gill blinked and suddenly there were people again and Rachel was standing in front of her.

"You look..."

"Thank you. Shall we go?" And Gill hurried for the door because she needed cold air filling her lungs.

"Do you like Thai?"

"As much as the next girl."

"I booked a place, it's very close."

"Lead the way."

They walked apart from each other, couples and families passing between them, until Rachel found her voice again. "So.. did you hear from Janet? How's it going with the case?"

"The father is stalling. And it made me think, what kind of father would stall the investigation on his own daughter's murder?"

"A guilty one or.. someone who thinks he's still protecting his little girl."

"Yeah, we should dig more on the girl's past. He doesn't strike me as a killer."

"He looks pretty innocent to me too."

"Call Janet in the morning and tell her what to do."

"Ok, boss."

The work-related conversation was over. Nothing was safe anymore and they hadn't got to the restaurant yet.

The silly waiter treated them like a couple and Gill wanted to burn him alive. But it wasn't his fault if the candles lit Rachel's eyes just right or the table was so small they couldn't help touching each other. It wasn't the waiter's fault if she asked for a bottle of white wine. And then another. It was the silence that was making her crazy. All the things she wanted to say and couldn't. Wouldn't. She kept eating and drinking with no pleasure at all, just to have her mouth full. Till it was time to go and she couldn't stand straight. It was ridiculous. Everything was. Her life, her decisions. And Rachel was the the most ridiculous thing of all. With that stupid frown, so worried for her inebriated boss.

"Do you want me to...?"

"Yes, why not." And she grabbed Rachel's arm. "This is London, you look suspicious if you are not pissed." Gill giggled. Yes, this wasn't Manchester and maybe Gill didn't need to be herself here. Just for a little bit. Enough to get safely into her room and lock the door. And throw away the key. Because Rachel was so warm and strong, she could feel her will slipping away and something a lot more dangerous taking its place.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello everyone! I've been told this chapter is a little graphic, I'm not so sure about that but you're warned anyway. _

_Please let me know what you think about the story, because I have no idea if I should keep writing in English or just stick with Italian.._  
><em>Enjoy:)<em>

As soon as they were inside Gill dropped onto the sofa. "This stuff is so soft, I don't know how rich people manage to get up and make more money." She patted besides her. "Come here, try it."

Rachel sat as far away as possible. "Oh don't be shy now. This morning you were telling me the most sordid details of your sex life and now you look like I kidnapped you from a nunnery." Gill drifted closer to her.

"You are drunk. Again."

"So what?"

"You do stupid things when you are drunk."

Gill brushed her cheek with one finger. "Things you like."

"Things you regret the next day."

"It's still tonight." And without thinking she leant in to kiss Rachel but the younger woman stopped her. "Don't."

Gill's eyes burnt with anger and she clumsily straddled her. "You tell me you've been shagging half Manchester, you expect me to feel nothing? How many?"

"I don't know." Rachel tried to look elsewhere but Gill's hand steadied her head. "How many?"

"Ten, fifteen."

"How many women?"

"Why do you care?"

"How many?"

"Five."

"Did any of them made you feel the way I do?" And she deliberately moved her hips against Rachel.

"No.. not a single one." Rachel admitted, still trying hard not to look into her eyes.

"Good." And Gill removed the grip on her chin.

"Good? What's the good in this? I can't have you so I can't have anybody else?"

"Yes."

"You are full of shit, you crazy cow, get off of me." But Gill was a lot stronger that she seemed.

"Why should I be the only one? Why should this kill only me?" Gill yelled.

"Because you can stop this madness, you can just give in." Rachel took her face between her hands. "Just give in and see what happens. Kiss me."

"I don't want to" But she was kissing her. "I don't.." But her tongue slipped in Rachel mouth. And there was nothing in the world that could stop them now. "You are gorgeous. I can't help myself." She bit her neck. "It's all your fault. You drive me crazy." She nibbled at her ear lobe and murmured. "Fuck me, Rachel."

Rachel lifted up her dress and caressed her thighs till the end of her stockings. When she touched warm skin she moaned in Gill's mouth. "Don't stop now, never stop, kid." Rachel moved away her underwear and found Gill wet and ready. "Now." And Rachel pushed two fingers inside. "Yes like this, that's perfect kid. Just perfect."

Gill opened up Rachel's shirt and squeezed her breasts. Rachel hissed.

"Did I hurt you?"

"In a good way.."

And Gill looked at her like that was the right answer, with a glimpse of evil in her eyes. And anger and frustration. But she immediately regretted she'd shown so much to the girl and bent to suck hard at her collarbone, till she was sure she'd left a mark. She bit her lower lip and smoothed away Rachel's hair. "Were you so good with the others? Did you fuck them so well?" Rachel shook her head. "Do you think you can make me scream, kid? You need to do better than this."

Rachel put her arms under Gill's legs and lift her enough to slip under her.

"Good girl." Gill held on the back of the couch. Rachel grabbed her arse and pushed Gill forcefully against her mouth, till she couldn't think anymore, till her hot skin was the only thing she could breathe, feel, hear.

Gill slowly climbed off her and helped her back on the settee.

She kissed her and cleaned her face with her thumbs. Rachel was studying her, waiting. "You did good, kid."

"Did I make you scream?"

"You didn't hear me?"

"No."

Gill laughed. "Yes, you did Rachel."

Rachel smiled. "You still have your coat on."

"You too."

"I want to do it again." And she kissed Gill. "With no clothes on. I want to look at you."

It wasn't the brat speaking, the annoying kid. Rachel looked her age for once. She looked like she was asking something important like making love to Gill. Not kissing her in the office or fucking her on a couch. And Gill's heartbeat fastened a little and there were alarms going off in her brain.

Gill took her hand and led her into the master bedroom. They faced each other and undressed. Gill stepped closer and traced the line of Rachel's hip. "You are so beautiful." And thought how easy it would be to be sweet and tender, to say too much and hold this new Rachel. But not now, maybe never, not now for sure. So she smirked and said. "Are you wet, kid?"

"Yes."

Gill's hand travelled down the short dark hairs. "You are."

Rachel blushed and Gill told herself that sex was just fine. A lot more than fine.

"Come here, I want to feel your skin." And Rachel was a kid again, walking slowly to her, unsure if she could hug her boss, unsure if tenderness was somehow forbidden. Gill kissed her till she finally relaxed and then pushed her gingerly on the bed. Naked and with her hair haphazardly around her face, Rachel was gorgeous and took Gill's breath away. "You look so vulnerable." She said kneeling next to her. "But you are not, Rachel." The younger girl just looked confused at her and Gill leaned closer to her. "Tell me you are not."

"I.. I'm not." And even though Gill could see her thinking of infinite different ways of being vulnerable with Godzilla, she took her word for it.

Gill licked quickly her lips. "Turn around." And when Rachel obliged she straddled her arse, moving ever so slowly and kissing her back, biting her shoulders, her hands caressing and scratching anything they could reach. Rachel managed to stay still less than a minute. Then she was squirming and moaning, pushing her arse up following the rhythm Gill was giving her.

"I need more." She breathed.

"You need what I give you, kid."

"It turns you on calling me kid?"

Gill smiled and bit her lobe. "Yes."

"Being in control?"

"Extremely."

And from the unnatural sound that left Rachel's mouth she agreed.

"Is it always this way?"

"No, not always." The way Rachel took this information and put it away for another time, if there would ever be another time, made Gill lose her focus. But only for a moment.

"Is there something that you don't want me to do?"

"No.. not that I can think of."

"Good."

Gill's right hand slipped between her legs and down Rachel's arse. She was even wetter than before.

"Do you want me inside?"

"Oh yes, yes."

And she pushed her fingers inside, painfully slowly.

"Too much?"

"No, it's ok, it's ok." And Rachel was already moving around them.

"I'm going to put my other hand around your neck. You can stop me if it gets uncomfortable."

"I'm sure.." But the hand was already pressing around her, still lightly.

But the more Rachel moved her hips the more the grip tightened. With her own arm between her legs Gill could feel a new orgasm building up. And having Rachel like that was only fuelling her excitement. She kept loosening her hand every time she could feel Rachel getting closer and squeezing it again after a few moments.

"Please, let me."

"Just a little bit more, kid."

"But.. please, I can't stand it anymore."

Gill left her grip and brushed away Rachel's hair. "Don't you want to be a good girl and come with me?" She whispered and the look in Rachel's eyes was answer enough.

She closed one last time her hand around Rachel's neck and increased the pace until they were finally coming apart together.

The next morning Gill extricated herself from underneath Rachel with no little wonder that she had managed to sleep in that awkward position. She had meant to tell the girl to go in the other room but Rachel had fallen asleep so quickly she didn't have the chance. She turned on the water in the shower and looked at herself in the mirror. It was unmistakable what she had been doing the previous night and that little smile on her face was seriously worrying. She couldn't afford another addiction. She was barely holding it together as it was without a wild card as Rachel in her life.

When she was ready to go, she woke up the girl and left.

The conference was as boring as she had anticipated. And it gave her too much time to think. Rachel was keeping her distance but never too much. They were doing their own private dance, with Rachel following her and Gill pretending not to notice. Every now and then a man would start chatting with the girl and she'd kindly let him down. But even so Gill couldn't stop herself and touched some bloke's arm or laughed too loud at some other's joke. Yet Rachel never looked for payback. She just seemed a little hurt. The more hours passed by the more Gill became restless and frustrated by loosing at her own game. Why couldn't Rachel be Rachel and make everything easier? Why Gill always had to play the wicked witch with her?

When the conference was over it was dark outside. She got in the elevator alone and once in the suite she rushed to get something to drink but stopped her hand mid-air.

"Fuck!" And hit the cabinet with her palm. When she turned she saw Rachel. "Great." She adjusted her hair and faked a smile. "See kid? I'm a fucking mess. But don't worry I quit smoking in one day. I can quit drinking. I can even quit you."

Rachel stared at her in silence.

"Oh come on, enough with the puppy eyes, the kid stuff is good only in bed."

Gill tried to go into her room but when she passed Rachel the girl grabbed her and pushed her against the wall. So Gill knew that what she had mistaken all day for hurt was instead pure anger.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You hate your life? Get a new one. In the meantime can you please try not to devastate mine? Is it too much to ask? Do you have too much to handle being drunk half of the time? You're so lost in yourself you can't know a good thing even if you shag her all night. You have to go and ruin it like you're doing with everything else!" Rachel hit the wall so close to Gill she shut her eyes.

"Rachel.."

"Shut up!"

Gill could see the effort Rachel was making to calm herself and waited. When her breathing was almost back to normal Gill tried to caress her. Rachel took her hand and pressed her face against it, kissing it. "How do you do it? How do you make me feel like this?"

They were in the bedroom, half naked, kissing and Gill couldn't tell how it happened. "Maybe we.."

"Don't talk, you're not good at it." Rachel pushed her on the bed and laid on Gill. "Now you do what I want. Just this time."

And whatever protest Gill had, Rachel kissed it away.

"I want you to look into my eyes so you know I mean everything I say." Gill sighed because Rachel's hand had slipped between her legs and she was already having troubles with this first demand.

"Good. Have you always been so wet around me or is it a new thing? I like this, shagging you. You are so much more than I had imagined. I like this." And she pushed one finger inside. "And this." Another finger. "but above all I like this." She traced Gill's parted lips. "The way I make you feel, I can read it all over your face. That's why you tried to hide it yesterday? Do you think it makes you weak if I know what I do to you? Isn't this the best kind of weakness?"

But Gill couldn't talk even if she was allowed, trapped as she was by Rachel's body and words and fingers.

"Do you want to come? Am I moving too slowly? Maybe you want it a bit faster, like this? You are so beautiful and funny, trying so hard not to make a sound." Rachel frowned and smoothed Gill's hair off her face. "Am I forcing you to show your feelings? Will you be angry at me afterwards? Or will you see that the world is still there along with your life and everything else. Or better, will you see that I already knew?"

Rachel kissed sweetly her neck, her mouth. "If you come while I'm making love to you, what does it mean?" And she kissed her again and again until Gill couldn't resist anymore and had to face the truth.


End file.
